Notting Hell

See what I did there? Clever, eh?

No-one ever says they dislike Carnival. It's held up on a pedestal as Europe's largest street party, as an example of London's diversity, as a good time.

I seem to have been more times than not and always come away feeling it's not really for me. The music is great but I've too short an attention span to stick around in one place. The food is fantastic but I'm never usually peckish at the right time. The parade itself? nnyeh, well... the costumes are impressive but everything else seems a bit half hearted. Most of the floats are either plain trucks with sound systems or overly corporate vehicles.

Whether it's Europe's largest street party or not I could certainly understand it being the busiest. The crowded, narrow streets of W11 channel a one-way flow of frustrated and often angry people from questionable vantage point to dubious vantage point. This agressive undercurrent results in pushing and shoving at the best of times; knife attacks at the worst of times.

How about diversity? Diverse, yes but it's by no means a multicultural festival: the token white Notting Hill resident in lavish sparking yellow lycra suit fools nobody. I wonder how representative the parade through the window is of those behind the windows these days? A great Caribbean festival but let's not steal Festival's thunder and misguidedly hijack it as 'London's party'.

Once you've negotiated the tube closures, road blocks, impossible meeting places and the thousands of other people jostling to see the Emperors' new clothes it's not really a good time. It's a curiosity, an attraction to which I'll always feel like a tourist. And if I'm going to be a tourist I'd rather go to Rio.